caring about image v.s. worrying about judgment
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i use to not care so much what people thought of me.
no – scratch that. i cared but i didn’t worry about judgment as much. i think it’s okay to care. in fact, most people have this misconstrued perception that caring about what people think is a weakness.
it’s not – if it’s within reason and remains balanced.
caring about what people (especially people that matter) think of us helps us to align our growth and goals on a path that is honourable. of course i want to be perceived as a good person – because i WANT to be a good person.
that said, the other side of the coin – the balancing act of this – is that we can not control what people want to think. we do our best to match our true selves to the image that we see. we try, at least i hope, to be the best we can be.
and scoring karma points doesn’t hurt either.
when i am feeling lost, though, which is something i’ve struggled with for awhile now, it’s hard to go from caring and fearing of what people see in me. i fear judgment. and letting people down. there’s a lot of people i can easily let down.
i’m constantly trying to hold strong for so many people in my life. and it worries me that i will fail. that’s when i fear judgment.
all this is starting to come together for me – as i prepare for counseling. i’ve been having some good conversations with trust-worthy friends and with their support, i’ve been able to be bluntly honest about what’s been going on inside. Not everything is clear to me but it is at least less murky from when i first started opening up.
berry-plum nail polish, xanax and my own safe world
- i met up with a girlfriend of mine for coffee and a much needed manicure. thank you B for the introduction of two awesome places! i had such a good time. the only thing missing was a chilled glass of chardonnay while our nails dried. i made sure to have that glass when i got home – while i sat and listened to some mellow jazz. oh – and the colour i chose, by the way, was a berry-plum colour. very shiny, indeed. unfortunately, it is now four days later and i can already make out the ends of my nail starting to come off. i can never keep my nails all made up long enough. but that’s okay – i don’t go for the colours. it’s the pampering that i indulge in. the nail polish is just a bonus.
- my mom is worried that i’m developing a drinking problem. it’s very cute. my dad took me aside and told me this, asking me to just take it easy on the wine. i’ll admit that i’m drinking more then usual – but my description of ‘more’ is merely 1 to 1.5 servings of wine with my dinner. i never have any when doug is working, though. but i do tend to go through these phases (especially during the cold months) of having a daily glass. eventually, i also go through a phase where i rarely have any.
- i am back on xanax (with vitamin B6). not every day. only days where i feel myself spiraling down to that very lonely and dark bottom pit. which, from my little journal, seems to fall about two weeks before my period (though not always). on top of that, i’ve agreed with my doctor that i should also seek counseling. even when i am feeling good. there’s a lot on my plate right now – and it doesn’t look like that will lessen anytime soon. i need a chance to talk to some one – not weekly, though. this might sound bad but i can’t see myself finding time to talk to some one weekly. i am hoping for once every two weeks. i don’t know if that’s allowed – but it has to fit my schedule. anyway – now that doug is working for the city, he has a great benefits package for him, me and chaeli. i’ve been given a number to call – it’s a company that will arrange everything for me.
- recently, i’ve found that it’s been hard to get by the daily grind – mainly due to so many… well…. mean people. that’s the best way to describe it. so many people are petty, vindictive and harsh. so much of this is driven by both fear and jealousy. i have a hard time dealing with these people becuase it’s not like i have mistreated them. they lash out in their ways because they are jealous. and while there’s some relief in at least an explanation to their behaviour, it doesn’t make it easier for me to know that i’m being victimized intentionally. i do try to remind myself of the people in my lives that are far from the likes of said people – and when i do remind myself, i’m grateful. a very best friend once said to me, “if you’re ever lost and alone because of those types of people, you can always take sanctuary with those you can trust – we are then your world.” during times like this, i hold these words close to my heart.
- chaeli was sick for about a week – she’s still coughing but much better now. at least better enough to go to school. she missed four days of school and was relieved she wouldn’t miss the class’ valentines day party. plus, i think she was just sick of being stuck at home over the weekend – don’t blame her.
monday mood points to BAD
it’s now the start of a new week but i feel like it’s been a continuation of last week – which happened to be a very long and rough week. i’m not in a good mood. at all. so indulge me while i let it all out and vent my ass off.
pet peeves:
- people who think they know graphic design theory and want to give you the most useless suggestions ever
- i tried to register for e-billing for my hydro. it should be easy, right? i have so far converted everything else to e-billing. well, apparently, i need an activation code to create my online account. how do i get this activation code? by snail mail. gayest thing i’ve ever heard.
- the typical walmart clientele in my area. why is that every time i shop at walmart, i end up getting stuck behind a person or couple who decides that it’s okay to walk and push their shopping cart at an unbearable slow crawl while taking up the entire middle of an aisle? believe me, i even try to go another route but somewhere along the line, i always find myself behind the SAME person/people. without fail – EVERY TIME!
- finding a casserole dish caked with dried up food from last week hiding in the oven (love my husband, not his habits).
- my clumsiness. i continue to drop things and stumble when i walk. i’m not normal.
shopping, new wardrobe and birthday girl
- i’ve been a bit of a shoping fiend as of lately. it’s hard to resist – there’s been amazing clearance sales. online too! with free shipping! and 20% off the lowest marked price! AND a $25 coupon to be used within the month of february! so i ended up buying two tops, one skirt, one faux-fir trimmed cardi and two pieces of jewellery. it averaged out to be under $10 each.
- speaking of clothes, i’m very much done and complete with my fall/winter wardrobe. the problem is, i’m not entirely done shopping. spring/summer will be here and none of my clothes fit from last year as well. hopefully, the weight will be maintained but it does mean that i have to save and budget for a couple of more shopping sprees. i still do have some carpi’s and shorts i can sort of pass off with a belt – i will use them for casual clothes (which will save me money – i much rather put my money into work clothes and really save during end of the season clearances for the casual stuff).
- my baby girl (so not a baby anymore, really) is turning eight this weekend. EIGHT! the older they get, the faster they grow. or so it seems. i have to admit though – i love this age. so much seems to be coming together. but it scares me how time flies so quickly! we’ve always made a priority to get our quality family time in (mostly on weekends) but this year, i think i would to kick that up a notch.
manicures, keyword searches and fire stations
- my nails – i have a girl’s mani-pedi outing in a couple of weeks with a friend of mine. i’m trying really hard to just let my nails grow long so that it can be a nice manicure. but it’s getting longer then my comfort zone. i hate typing with long nails. but i’m terrible at filing my nails down properly to even lengths. normally, i just let them grow until they start to frustrate me and then clip them down to a short length. no, i’m not really a girly-girl but i do like doing girly-girl things once in awhile. i wish i had time to go for a quick manicure now. but this week is already going to be crazy. just no time.
- i’ve been experimenting with different recipes lately. now that doug is working his 24 hr shifts, meals are no longer prepared when he’s away at home. so, for starters, i’ve been picking the all-in-one casseroles or crockpot recipes that’s not too complex. i actually can come up with some really yummy meals but to be honest, i’ve never really been comfortable in the kitchen. now that i have to cook for chaeli and myself, i’m starting to do whatever i can so that it’s not all that intimidating. and lets face it, it is mainly for chaeli and doug (when he is just coming off of a shift and i want to give him a break). if i was just feeding myself, it would be pretty easy – sandwich and soup!
- speaking of doug’s shift, everyone envisions firefighters sitting around in their hall, watching tv and eating when they don’t have a call. i can’t speak for all cities but the city that doug is employed with is far from that. it’s actually very inspirational. all the choirs – cleaning, mowing the lawn, cutting the grass, washing the trucks, laundry and washing their equipment – are all done by the firefighters. they do eat very well but the money for food comes from their own pockets. no cleaning service is hired to do any of these jobs – which saves the tax payers from paying into these services. they try to do all their daily choirs during the day so that after dinner (and dinner clean-up) they can take a break (unless they get a call).
- so what do i do when doug is working through the night? i am on netflix – watching angel (buffy the vampire slayer spin-off). i didn’t think i would like it as much as buffy but actually, i’m loving it. and not anymore or less then buffy – in fact, it’s hard to even compare the two. they became their own entity. pity i’m halfway through season four – and there’s only five seasons.
- there’s a post i created a few years ago called ‘a very first in our 7.5 years of marriage‘ which keeps on coming up on my wordpress stats as a very popular post people seem to pull up. i’m not exactly sure what it is about this post that draws people’s attention. it’s probably related to their key word search. but still – i’m perplexed as to why they care to read about my marriage. maybe they thought it was something really juicy? or perverse? well, if so, they were all probably disappointed that it was just about our very first dining table purchase. and my geekiness over ikea.
milestones in yoga
recently, i accomplished two milestones in yoga. both were poses where two years ago, they were deemed pretty much impossible for me.
have i perfected them? no. not at all. but the fact that i am at the beginning stages of actually doing them is so very exciting for me! i’ve been classifying myself as an beginner-intermediate when it comes to yoga, but now i’ve got one foot partially stepped in to the realm of advanced yoga.
read more from my healthy shy blog.
