Dreaming of BTS – No seriously, I’ve had dreams of BTS!

I’m not TRYING to dream about BTS but they have appeared in my dream at least twice. Maybe even a third time but the last one was so hazy I’m not sure. I do know each one involved just one member. And here is a very simple description of each:

Dream #1: Jin

I walk into the kitchen and Jin is sitting there at the table. He starts to yell at me Jin-style like he does when he’s being Angry Jin. No, I don’t know what I did wrong. No, I have no idea what he’s saying to me because it’s all in Korean. I did read another blogger stating she had a dream of BTS and luckily for her, there were sub-titles floating in front/below each member as they talked to her. Much like many Youtube videos us non-Korean speaking fans have become dependent on. I had no such luck. And the dream ended shortly after me just standing there, bewildered at why he was yelling at me.

I think I should have been more concerned with why Worldwide Handsome, Kim Seokjin, was sitting in my kitchen. And exactly how did he get in in the first place?

Dream #2: Jungkook

My phone had been buzzing with message notifications all day. I was really busy though, so I ignored them. Then I got a call from a very angry Jungkook who demanded to know why I wasn’t responding to any of his texts. I’m not at all sure where this one came from – there was this one Youtube video of their People Magazine interview where Jungkook got a bit of heat from his hyungs for never responding to any of the texts they sent him.

Other than that, I have no idea why Jungkook would be texting me. And exactly what was so important I had to drop everything just to respond to him? Strange dream indeed.

Dream #3: Suga

I think I had a dream of Suga last night but it was pretty broken up and short for me to fully remember what was going on.

All I remember is Suga just being really disappointed in me. What did I do wrong? What did I do to make him feel like I am a let down? I have no idea. He wasn’t angry at me, but he was just shaking his head. I mean, it IS Suga – he appears to be the one that used to keep the young ones in line so at least in my dream, he was in character.

In Summary

I clearly have some anxiety issues of letting people down. Why BTS are the ones playing into my subconscious mind is beyond me. I know my daughter thinks I’m lucky to dream about them.

Really? All they’re doing is acting mad at me! Why would she want to dream about that?

I had to get that off my chest. I’m so stressed with the amount of work I have to do this week I needed to post something fun and light.

And I’m known to have extremely strange dreams – I have all my life so to be honest, I’m not surprised with the above dreams.


I’m not an A.R.M.Y… Am I???


C: You’re so an ARMY.

ME: No. I don’t think so.

C: Yes you are. Just admit it!

ME: Really, really not!

C: But you love BTS!

ME: True, I really do, but I just don’t see myself as an ARMY.

C: Why not?

ME: I don’t like the chant. I support it if it supports BTS but I personally do not enjoy it. I don’t own those light-bulb things… nor would I buy you one unless we’re at a BTS concert. Speaking of BTS concerts, I’m not sure I’d go unless it’s to take you. Concerts are just not my thing. The only way I support them is legit-purchases of their digital tracks, digital albums and well, the full L.O.V.E. Love Yourself album set. And that was for you!

C: So? You don’t need to do all those things to be an A.R.M.Y. If you like them truly for their talents and accept them for who they are, faults and all, you can totally be an ARMY!

ME: …

C: And by the way, it’s called an ARMY Bomb light stick…

Could my daughter, who is often found in moments of true maturity, even more than myself, be correct?

Lets back up for a moment…

I honestly never classified myself as an ARMY. And believe me, I am not against BTS’ fandom. I’ve just never ‘belonged’ to any fandom group before. Rather, I’ve been going along for the ride, supporting ARMY but not really being a part of it.

So it got me thinking, “What does it mean to be a BTS ARMY?”

I’m aware of the negative side. I’m aware of the fan-wars between ARMY and EXO-L, for example (as well as other k-pop fan groups). I’m aware of those who claim to be ARMY but only act out in hurtful and spiteful ways – whether to other ARMY members, other k-pop fandom members, themselves, or even BTS members should one or more member do something they feel isn’t right (as if they feel BTS members owe them something – for example, see past dating rumors of how these fanatical fans have reacted).

Is this negative side what made me think I’m not an ARMY? I thought about this. And my final answer is… No.

There will always be a dark side to everything – any type of subculture formed, even with the intent of the greater good, has a dark side. And I think it’s important to actually see these negative people as NOT a true ARMY. Yes, I’ll just go out and say it. The ones who are disrespectful and create division rather than coming together as a positive group and movement, should not classify themselves as true ARMY. I won’t list all the past examples – I did go out to do a bit of research and was quite disgusted with some of the incidences associated with said, negative fans. I felt the hurt BTS members must have felt during those times.

Begin the hate for anyone who may stumble upon my blog and disagree with me. But I stand strongly with this belief and I do not limit this to k-pop fandom.

So where does that leave me? Why do I not see myself as an ARMY (yet)? Maybe because it’s my age? Maybe I’m just not use to this type of fandom? Perhaps I’m just happy calling myself a fan who loves BTS’ music and supports their hard work and creativity? I don’t know. I don’t have an answer. Maybe in time I will call myself an ARMY.

I do know this… whatever label I may or may not feel comfortable with, I am thankful of great wonderful ARMY folks who I have befriended here. And I’m thankful BTS strives to put out good work and share their talents with us. I hope all seven of them are happy and wish them all the best! As long as they strive to do what they love and continue to be both human yet respectful as they have been, I don’t see why I wouldn’t support each individual member equally. Hwaiting!

Stir Fry of Emotions – Fighting the Stigma


I was on a business trip not long ago. We had a 3.5 day annual company conference filled with key-note speakers, company information and team building.

One of the team building was quite emotional. We broke out into small groups of 8-10 people and had to discuss our highest and lowest moments of our lives.

Ouch. Not easy. It’s sometimes difficult to even come clean with friends and family. But to be vulnerable in front of co-workers is a different level all together.

Yet, I decided to go first… I told my group, with a quick apology of not-so-pleasant news I was about to disperse, of my suicidal state a few years ago.

There’s one thing I have learned, dealing with anxiety disorder and depression – it’s a battle to break through the stigma on a daily basis. And it’s so easy not to realize the person next to you is suffering mental illness. I just read 2 of the 3 main symptoms of depression can not be seen so most people are walking around with no support, no treatment and at the risk of falling deeper into the hole.

It is NOT easy to talk about myself out in the open.

So what pushed me?

Knowing if I can open up and just not care of what will be said behind my back (should that happen it would be out of my control), will help one person who is suffering alone hear what I have to say, which may lead to that person getting help, well, it’s worth it.

I not only talked about what I went through – but about how I got help. And while it did not get rid of my anxiety and depression, as there are triggers everywhere which will not cease in my lifetime, I at least know how to get help now. I was able to talk about something extremely important:


It’s not as easy as I’m painting it. But should my words give even a glimmer of hope to the one suffering beside me, isn’t the vulnerability worth it?

It’s Official – I’ve Lost My Mind

Oh. My. GOD!!!

So I just emailed this private dance studio not far from my work place. I’ve been searching for hip-hop classes for my daughter and I’ve found a lot of these private dance studios that not only do hip-hop but dabble in k-pop hip-hop.

The only challenge was finding most places create ‘teams’ for actual amateur dance competitions.

Heeeell NO!!! So not what she is looking for! She just wants to do this for fun.

This studio has a drop-in class schedule with classes ranging from Level 0 to Level 2. Obviously, Level 0 meant for beginners. Though I have an inkling it’s not going to be filled with beginners. As always, you’re going to find a class filled with a variety of levels depending how long people have been dropping in on said class. Still, you can either pay as you go ($15 per class) or buy 12, 24, 48 classes per card, thereby saving more money in the end. I’m sure there’s a time limit. For example, all 12 classes must be taken within a 6 month period. It’s still promising though – there’s at least 2 or 3 beginner classes each week to choose from. And it allows some flexibility with our schedule.

It peaked my curiosity, alright? And you know what they say. Curiosity killed the Cat.

I’m not saying I’m going to die. But my body is not like what it used to be so. So yeah. I’ve decided I’m going to do this with my daughter.

I’m both excited and nervous. More excited than nervous. I mean, if history should repeat itself, I’ve often been able to catch on with new choreography. The nervousness is just based on the fact I have not taken any dance classes for so long. The last time I did was to learn Latin Ballroom.

Of course, I’ll update my progress here but – wish me luck! My daughter will not have time to do this until after her science project is done and she really wants us to do this together! I think it will be fun. 🙂

Not-So Daily Kpop Challenge – Part VII

[30 Day K-Pop Challenge]

The next two challenges seem fitting to post within one entry – they both have nostalgic themes. Enjoy!

Day 15: A k-pop song that reminds you of someone you miss

BTS’ MIC Drop. I mentioned a friend of ours passed away suddenly in October 2017 at the age of 38. He was a huge hip hop fan. I’m talking traditional, old school hip hop! I wish I had made the time to get him to listen to k-pop. I’m not sure he would have liked it but I know he would have given it a shot because he was just an open person that way.

Day 16: Favorite k-pop lyric (and a translation)

I go through cycles of deep, haunting and playful, when it comes to favorite lyrics. I will admit I’ve always been a fan of BTS’ Blood Sweat & Tears though recently both their songs, Pied Piper and Sea has been on my radar. And when I first looked ahead at the 30-Day K-Pop Challenge and found this question, I was sure I was going to post one of those three lyrics. Now that I’m here, at Day 16, I find myself going back to a more playful and what I would describe as seductive lyrics – and that is EXO’s Playboy.

You know how some lyrics brings you back to a specific memory? That’s what Playboy does for me. Before meeting my now husband, I dated, partied, and yeah, I met a few (at least a few) players. Some played me. Some played me REAL good. And others, I knew, right from the beginning were ones I could only expect a fun time, no strings attached, most likely a one-time thing, and never, ever the type I’d ever bring back home to introduce to my family. EXO’s Playboy reminds me of those times I knew what I was getting myself into. Which was living in the moment and being with someone maybe a little dangerous (to the heart) was just that short and sweet moment I needed. (By the way, watching the below performance makes me miss Lay as part of EXO – I prefer his dance skills over Sehun).

Hey playboy haha (Boy)
(Hi dududu dududu) Let’s play

Don’t pick up your ringing phone
Let’s leave it alone
There’s no need to tell anyone but us two
Let’s just leave it alone, why are you worried?

It’s alright, it’s alright
I know your heart, it’s alright
It’s alright, it’s alright
Show me all your secrets

My heart is covered black, your place
Your heart is burnt white, my place
Of course you can’t get sick of this play
(You know what it is?) Play play play
My words are forgotten black, my base
Your words have vanished white, your trace
You can’t turn things around in this play
Play play play

Play (Boy) play play (Boy)
Play play (Boy) play (Boy)
Play (Boy) play

When you think it’s too late, you’ve already
Fallen for me, it’s out of your control (Isn’t it?)
You knew everything from the start
And now you’re blaming it all on me?

I’m far from the bad things
You’ve imagined
From the bad niceness
I’m happy, please don’t run away
Don’t try to leave me

It’s alright, it’s alright
I know your heart, it’s alright
It’s alright, it’s alright
Show me all your secrets

My heart is covered black, your place
Your heart is burnt white, my place
Of course you can’t get sick of this play
(You know that?) Play play play
My words are forgotten black, my base
Your words have vanished white, your trace
You can’t turn things around in this play
Play play play (Yeah, playboy)

I’ve decided what to call you
Just one kiss, that’s all
Whether it’s your luck or misfortune
That you’ve met a guy like me
Will be like a split road, yes
Like whiskey you’ve swallowed by mistake
I’ll make you hotter, more excited (Leggo)
I’m bad, I like doing things you tell me not to
Like I said, the main game didn’t even start yet
Push and pull me even more
I’m confident I will win
Every day, I’m dealing with
A new type of loneliness

Oh, I can’t stop
But same for you too
You don’t wanna lose me
(Right?) My babe

My heart is covered black, your place
Your heart is burnt white, my place
Of course you can’t get sick of this play
(You know what it is?) Play play play

My words are forgotten black, my base
Your words have vanished white, your trace
You can’t turn things around in this play
Play play play

Play (Boy) play play (Boy)
Play play (Boy) play (Boy)
Play (Boy) play (Boy)