Break-up with Joel

In my previous post, I had linked to a past blog which I can not edit anymore (so it remains private for those not logged in). I’ve copied and pasted this post below:

i sat there waiting in his living room, wondering how i was ever going to make it through the evening.

he glanced over at me uneasily, and asked, “what? is something wrong?”

“no…” i replied, trying to mask any nervousness from seeping through, “i’m fine. everything’s fine.”

“something’s… different.”

“like what?”

“i don’t know… just something.”

i climbed into the passenger side and waited for him to turn on the ignition. with the engine running and the radio on, i felt, at least, we could close the silent gap.

i wanted to speak as little as possible, in fear of giving my secret away.

for tonight was the night that i decided to leave him. it hadn’t been a very long plan in the works. in fact, i had only decided a couple of nights ago. when i found myself announcing it to my friends.

are you sure this is what you want? they asked.

yes. positive.

and i meant it.

dinner was quiet. i sat there, eating my food, hardly making even an ounce of effort to the casualist of conversations. he sat there across from me, avoiding eye contact. and feeling incredibly uncomfortable.

he knew.

we had finished dinner 20 minutes earlier then his mother’s church concert. she was singing in the choir and the last thing i wanted to do was end things before the performance.

yet…

he asked me once more, “i know something is wrong so just spill it!”

“okay,” i said, “i don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.”

“i knew it.”

********

and with that, you sat there and accepted what i wanted. without a fight, without any questions, you sat there and found your glum corners of the world.

i knew it. that was what you said. it hadn’t occured to me, now years later, that those three little words meant more then just that night.

you knew for awhile, that you didn’t deserve me. you knew for awhile that the way you treated me was less then par. you were immature, selfish and insecure.

for a long time now, i had regretted not taking the chance to seek the proper closure i deserved. there were many angry nights where i hated myself for wasting so much time with you. i wanted to tell you everything you did wrong. all the malnipulation… all the bullshit i had to put up with!

and then, one day, i woke up. and realized that you’ve known all along.

i was too good for you. and your game on trying to convince me otherwise, had failed.

you once said to me, “you and i both know we’re a good catch!” deep down inside, i didn’t think this. but i didn’t want to hurt your feelings. i didn’t want to tell you how many men had tried to ask me out while we were together… nor how some of my friends expressed that i could do better.

i just want you to know…

i never stomped on your heart.

just your ego.

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