That alone feeling…

Sometimes I get really down about myself… having anxiety issues really makes me feel alone.

It is worse when I get into an argument with Doug. He is so relaxed about everything. And sometimes that is good but I feel then the extra burden of carrying all the worrying for the whole family.

The world is still also very unequal. I think that the woman of the household does more – more multi-tasking, more balancing and of course, more worrying. Add anxiety disorder on top of all that and it just weighs down on my shoulders at an unbelievable weight.

I so desperately wish to be understood. And the worse feeling is that my own family just doesn’t seem to understand. Don’t get me wrong – I know they love me very much. But I just want to be understood.

When Doug tells me I need to relax – in whatever way he is telling me – I want to scream (and sometimes I do), “DO YOU REALIZE AND UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE ASKING ME?”

I feel like it’s my fault I can’t relax. I feel like it’s my fault that I invest so much time into Chaeli’s academics (hello? does he not realize he married an Asian – I’m parenting the only way I know how), I feel like it’s my fault that if I do not stay organized, my world will fall apart because doing everything last minute only causes more anxiety. I feel like it is my fault I have to live in an organized house (I use to keep it more organized but since Doug is home most of  time while I’m at work – any cleaning/organizing gets messed up within a day). I feel like it is my fault I am not normal. I feel like it is my fault that I get anxiety attacks.

My fault. All my fault. Because I simply can not relax. Or go with the flow. Or stop my mind from moving ten steps ahead.

All. My. Fault.

And so, I am feeling incredibly lonely. I can hear voices of people who mean well tell me that I am not alone. That there are a lot of people who go through what I am going through.

But these people are lonely too. And it does not make me feel less lonely by banning together with others that are just as lonely. Negative plus negative = a greater negative.

I did not want to have dinner with my family but hunger won over. It took me so much effort to finish my dinner while fighting the tears back.


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