i simply love this post from dooce:
I was recently having a conversation with a friend about the things in my life that make me joyous in an effort to experience more of that emotion in my life. She was very specific to point out that my anxiety likes to confuse feelings of joy with feelings of safety, and for me to really dig deep and make the distinction. That’s the really shitty thing about anxiety, it can take the kid inside you who used to marvel at rainbows and dance around in public and tell her that there is way too much to worry about to ever feel like that again. continue reading…
she goes on about how she finds joy in daily things such as exercising, diet, organizing… but in the end, all those things she listed were really just relief from the order it gave her life.
i am, as i am discovering, the exact same way. i suppose on some level, i really do enjoy some aspects of my workout… such as yoga. it gives me joy simply because when i am doing yoga, my body feels so alive and, well, loved. i’m giving many moments during my yoga practice to be kind to my body. and therefore, show myself how much i do love the inner me.
and while i think a lot of other things i do in my fitness regime is fun, the bottom line is that i like the order it creates in my daily grind. it’s a way to control something… in this case, it’s having some control over my body.
she also goes on to explain how one true joy is the laughter of her children – and i couldn’t agree more. and so, one way she finds joy in her everyday life is to add some level of silliness with her children.
this brought me back to our last trip to disney world.
to be honest, the exact moment and location escapes me. but basically, doug, chaeli and i were sitting at some restaurant within one of the theme parks, talking about what we planned to do that day. i believe we had plans to head into epcot and how we would make sure to drop by and see crush the talking turtle. (and yes, he talks to the kids in the audience, this animated turtle on a screen that looks like you’re looking into an aquarium, in real time – apparently, it uses digital-puppetry.)
doug and i both started to talk like crush the turtle and this set chaeli into fits of giggles. sure, people were probably walking by, thinking we were nuts. then again, this was disney. people who go to disney and love disney and want to wrap themselves in all-things-disney GET it. no need to explain. “see those people? they get being here. they’re happy. why wouldn’t they be talking like crush the turtle?”
i look back in my ten years and honestly, it’s like i’ve forgotten how to just be in that moment where i find joy. and it’s always over the small stuff. it’s not like a big production is needed. at all.
dooce is right. anxiety really does take the kid out of a person.
and it’s times like these that i realize that the best teacher to teach me about how to have that type of fun again… is my own kid.