my psychologist says i have a “ego-centric grandiose perspective of the world which is the cause of my irrational guilt.”
i can’t argue with that. in the very little therapy i’ve received so far, this much has been true. at the first mention of the words ‘ego-centric’ and ‘grandiose’, i laughed and said, “we’ll that doesn’t really make me sound good!”
it’s a little more complex than that. i only get it when i think i’ve failed – and therefore failed the entire world and myself. and when i’ve accomplished something good, i lack that ability to feel like i’m queen of the world.
so you know that cliche? it’s like she’s carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders?
that’s me. when things go down and aren’t so good, i tend to do that. and most often, it’s impossible for me to fix it which causes tremendous guilt over things that aren’t even my fault.
i could go into how i became this way – but that would be another long post on it’s own. basically, it is how i was brought up. and i say this without blame towards the loving people that did raise me. the main point is – they brought me up the best way they could with the best of intentions. and it wasn’t as if they did it wrong. but such things are complex. the mix of this and that, different situations here and there… it’s never a direct causal-effect relationship.
there are notes i jot down. and i’m starting to think i may need a separate journal for my therapy sessions. something i can bring with me so that i can take not just notes while i’m there, but also notes as i see fit post-therapy. it may help with my next session as well.
my notes of scribbles under sub-headings are all over the place and i won’t bore anyone with the finite details. i’ll just end this post with one main thing i hope to keep strong in me as i take these days one at a time…
this too, shall pass.