i was rummaging around my bedside drawer when i found this gift i had completely forgotten. it’s a beautiful, metal bookmark a girlfriend of mine brought back for me while she was visiting india a little over a year ago:
i’m in the midst of reading books i borrowed from the library and quickly swapped this cheap bookmark i got for free from an agricultural trade show many years back with this gorgeous metal one.
it’s funny how something like this just jolts that reminder right through me – that amidst all this chaos i’ve been going through, all this stress and darkness, i need to just remind myself that there’s still a lot of joy, peace and beauty around me to help me survive.
these past two months have been horrible. i’ve suffered a lot of depressive episodes. more than usual and that’s mainly due to a declining and negative environment at work (of course, along with my mental health issues). i’ve felt suicidal many times – a feeling of doom and hopelessness has just been following me around.
then today, i woke up. and it’s funny because the first immediate thought i had was, “yeah – like i’m going to kill myself because of work. like they’re even worth the effort!” i know – of course, they are not worth it. any normal, healthy minded individual would get that.
but i’m not normal. and i’m not healthy-minded.
still, it was a key moment for me. and so when i found that metal, lotus bookmark, it just tied into finding that little bit of peace to help me get through today.
i am nervous, however, about tomorrow. and of this week. and the next. i ask anyone out there who might be reading this to pray for me. pray for the strength that i need to get through the next two weeks.