sunday mornings like this makes me both happy and sad at the same time. i suppose ‘sad’ is not the best word – more like i get hit with pangs of nostalgia in a bittersweet way. basically? i know this will become yesterday once i wake up tomorrow to face probably another hellish week.
and yes, this past week has been hell. all this past month, actually. weekends have been my saviour – snippets of time with family and friends to make the weekly grind bearable.
this past week, however, was the worst. i am still trying to self-regulate myself on xanax and it’s not always easy. i felt myself going into my monthly hormonal changes prior to the beginning of the week. my mood, however, seemed controlled. it wasn’t until monday hit – the external stress from work hit me like a ton of bricks this week. tuesday and wednesday, i found myself at home – tuesday because i woke up with chest pains from an on-going cycle of panic attacks which robbed me of much needed sleep all monday night; wednesday, i found myself sleeping from my body being in a high, intense state from the panic attacks. i thought i was going to have trouble sleeping wednesday night because i could barely keep my eyes open throughout the day.
funny what panic attacks can do to one’s body – that night, i slept like a baby.
i thought i was okay going back to work thursday. i was – but then friday came and i found myself doing everything i could to fight off another panic attack. i barely made it through that day – but only because i rushed home at lunch to be with my husband, my rock, who helped me calm down.
so the problem is – i’m much more vulnerable during my hormonal transitions. even if i’m feeling fine on my own, the external factors can make me snap just like that. xanax helps when i feel all this coming on but doesn’t do a hell of a lot during a panic attack. i suppose it helps to control it by not letting it get any further. but then, there’s the side effect while coming off of it – insomnia for at least one night with some tail-end effect on the 2nd night.
people keep on telling me what i should do. and while i know they mean well, these are people who really have no idea. they think it’s something i can control all on my own – just by thinking it. easier said then done. a lot of it is chemical, though. not all – and it’s that part of my body that i can’t control (well, not without meds). but some people think that the meds are doing me more harm – maybe they are right, maybe not. the hardest part about this is that there’s no one magical way. i’m learning that all i can do is work with what i’ve got – which might not always be much.
i’m thankful, however, for the support of my husband. he has been amazing and it just keeps on making me want to get better (or control this bettter) because i don’t want to rob his life, or chaeli’s, from what should be a very good life. there was a time, during my really dark days, where i contemplated on leaving them (either physically move away or commit suicide) because i honestly believed it would give them a better life if i removed myself.
not to say those thoughts do not creep back into my mind every now and then, but there’s more fight to keep those thoughts at bay, at least. i think that’s at least some form of improvement.
anyway – my husband is amazing. i should mention that going into last weekend, he spent time on his days off to clean the house. i told him he didn’t have to do all of it – that i would help saturday morning. but his response? he didn’t want me to clean on a weekend when we should just relax and have fun. and this morning, he made finnish pancakes for us. we had them with maple syrup (tapped from a family friend’s property – fresh and organic) and fresh blackberries and blue berries on the side.
i savoured every bite and then continued to sit there with my husband, while he finished his plate of finnish pancakes while we contemplated about future vacation trips for next year.
here’s a recipe for finnish panckes – it’s like the kind we use to get at the hoito (a place in thunder bay): http://www.legourmet.tv/cooking/finnish_pancakes_recipe.html