i’m still here

i feel like i’m slowly neglecting this place. little by little, i’ve been draw away from one of the things i love most – writing.

maybe i need a break or maybe i just don’t always know where to begin.

the way things have been lately – it’s like i never know what each day will bring. when i wake up, i have to force myself to just go through the motions and get on with life. otherwise, i may end up climbing back under the covers until i die. i wouldn’t end my life – not directly. not actively. it would just be a way to fade from the world – to try and achieve invisibility to the point where even i’ve forgotten that i exist.

the above sounds pretty dark. i will be honest – it’s not always like this. last week, it was, though. last week, i religiously kept on my xanax schedule just to lessen the pain. lessen that fear of facing whatever dark monsters were ready to pounce on me if i left my house.

half-hormonal and half-external factors – i think it’s fair to say that it was a combination of both internal and external demons fighting, not along side each other (which would have been the lesser of two evils), but more like against each other. i felt like a lost, defenseless child caught in the middle of a apocalyptic war. neither sides cared if i survived or not. each had its own agenda and the casualties of war was the least of their concerns.

by the end of last week, some light finally started to shine through and i was, once again, given hope. i will say this – the meds work. they lessened the intensity (yes, as intense as my description of what i went through last week really was, it’s no where to what it could have been – scary thought indeed) and the duration.

the external factors were fought differently. i had been back-stabbed (though she failed – really, really failed – thankfully her reputation can not touch mine; all due to the fact that her reputation was tarnished over and over for quite some time now from her own doing) and the bystander of what i can only describe as a melt-down (some have argued that it was verbal abuse due to the nature of the situation – but i rather not pigeon-hole myself into a victim role; basically, it just wasn’t professional and we shouldn’t have to work in an environment that would allow that type of toxic interaction). this all after the previous week of being a victim of gossip.

i had a choice – to fight back fire with fire. or… to fight back with positive energy.

and so, i woke up one day and out the door with a strategy. i would do the opposite of what had happened to me. I would give positive energy to those that matter – to those that i felt were making a difference in our organization.

it wasn’t too difficult – giving thanks and appreciation to people who basically deserved it – there was no lie in what i said and what they did. all i had to do was speak the truth out loud and the truth happened to be positive things. easy-peasy.

what i didn’t anticipate was the strength i received from these people. by giving positive energy to them, the positive energy was bounced back to me. i then carried with me the strength that they gave back to me – it made me feel strong enough to face any other demons along my path.

and so – the meds were therapeutic. but so was the above lesson.

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