berry-plum nail polish, xanax and my own safe world

  • i met up with a girlfriend of mine for coffee and a much needed manicure. thank you B for the introduction of two awesome places! i had such a good time. the only thing missing was a chilled glass of chardonnay while our nails dried. i made sure to have that glass when i got home – while i sat and listened to some mellow jazz. oh – and the colour i chose, by the way, was a berry-plum colour. very shiny, indeed. unfortunately, it is now four days later and i can already make out the ends of my nail starting to come off. i can never keep my nails all made up long enough. but that’s okay – i don’t go for the colours. it’s the pampering that i indulge in. the nail polish is just a bonus.
  • my mom is worried that i’m developing a drinking problem. it’s very cute. my dad took me aside and told me this, asking me to just take it easy on the wine. i’ll admit that i’m drinking more then usual – but my description of ‘more’ is merely 1 to 1.5 servings of wine with my dinner. i never have any when doug is working, though. but i do tend to go through these phases (especially during the cold months) of having a daily glass. eventually, i also go through a phase where i rarely have any.
  • i am back on xanax (with vitamin B6). not every day. only days where i feel myself spiraling down to that very lonely and dark bottom pit. which, from my little journal, seems to fall about two weeks before my period (though not always). on top of that, i’ve agreed with my doctor that i should also seek counseling. even when i am feeling good. there’s a lot on my plate right now – and it doesn’t look like that will lessen anytime soon. i need a chance to talk to some one – not weekly, though. this might sound bad but i can’t see myself finding time to talk to some one weekly. i am hoping for once every two weeks. i don’t know if that’s allowed – but it has to fit my schedule. anyway – now that doug is working for the city, he has a great benefits package for him, me and chaeli. i’ve been given a number to call – it’s a company that will arrange everything for me.
  • recently, i’ve found that it’s been hard to get by the daily grind – mainly due to so many… well…. mean people. that’s the best way to describe it. so many people are petty, vindictive and harsh. so much of this is driven by both fear and jealousy. i have a hard time dealing with these people becuase it’s not like i have mistreated them. they lash out in their ways because they are jealous. and while there’s some relief in at least an explanation to their behaviour, it doesn’t make it easier for me to know that i’m being victimized intentionally. i do try to remind myself of the people in my lives that are far from the likes of said people – and when i do remind myself, i’m grateful. a very best friend once said to me, “if you’re ever lost and alone because of those types of people, you can always take sanctuary with those you can trust – we are then your world.” during times like this, i hold these words close to my heart.
  • chaeli was sick for about a week – she’s still coughing but much better now. at least better enough to go to school. she missed four days of school and was relieved she wouldn’t miss the class’ valentines day party. plus, i think she was just sick of being stuck at home over the weekend – don’t blame her.

One thought on “berry-plum nail polish, xanax and my own safe world

  1. happy valentine’s day! i hope the xanax and b vitamin help you cope with those rough days. and I REALLY enjoy my (almost) nightly glass of red wine.

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