there’s been a lot of cause for celebration lately and i’ve been meaning to jot it all down.
but something is wrong with me.
i’m able to muster up some happiness for those around me when i see them succeed at various obstacles – both big and small. and it is genuine. i’m happy for them. i couldn’t wish for anything better then to see them happy.
deep inside me, though, i’m feeling numb. i have gone through bouts of anxiety and depression before and i’ve always been able to come out of it. but this time, it’s a bit scary because i feel like i’m constantly falling deeper and deeper.
usually, the thought of rushing home to my family would bring me some level of relief, at the least. but lately, i can’t even find comfort with them. and there’s nothing wrong with them. or our relationships. they are not doing anything to make me feel this way. this is all me. i just simply do not know how to crawl my way out of this darkness.
i apologize if any good friends might read this. it’s not that i don’t want to tell you but i can’t summon the energy to talk about it. nor to trouble anyone. i know it doesn’t make sense and i really have no explanation for why i feel this way. the truth is that i feel like i’ll be in the way if i open my mouth about it.
writing this on in my blog is about the best i can do right now.
i feel guilty for not really being there for doug and chaeli. i’m there physically – i go through the motions. but i feel like i’m robbing them of a ‘real’ wife and mother. i feel like i’m just an empty shell to them and they both deserve so much more then this.
it’s never been this bad before. even postpartum depression wasn’t as bad as this.