doug has been really supportive of me for the past couple of years – but in the past few months, i honestly can not fathom what i would do without him.
he knows that the changes around me and in my support group has been somewhat shaken. and he knows that i'm finding it challenging to adapt.
i talked to him about it again yesterday – i just don't feel very connected with people i use to feel connected with. i think it's because everyone is busy doing their own thing. and in their own worlds. it's no one's fault, really, but since my best friend moved, i've felt a bit empty in my 'friendship department' so to speak.
i told him that it would be so easy for me to just lose myself in work – that i could just give my whole self into it and that the temptation is extremely present at the moment. i've been through life-coaching to recognize that this is just me trying to build up that wall again. because if i lose myself in my work, it's so easy to numb myself and not feel at all.
it's my defence mechanism taking place as a way to shelter myself from getting hurt by others. or being let down.
in the end, though, i know by doing this, i would just be setting myself up for even more self-destruction. this is not what i had decided to take on in life. twelve years ago, when i took the pursuit of excellence series, i learned a lot about myself. more importantly, i learned about thinking more clearly about my intent – not just to others but to myself.
sometimes, while i know that it is a blessing, it can be hard to live life this way. it's easier to put on those blinders and go through life without feeling or thinking as much. especially as most people i encounter do not live life this way. and so – they cast out negative energy. which can be hurtful.
i try, when possible, not to judge these people though. because i'm lucky, really, to have had the chance to learn about living life this way – i was lucky that through people like ada, hoa and rvx, i was introduced to this powerful experience that has become a part of me, even though the last time i took this series was back several years ago (i took it twice).
i'm also lucky that doug took it (the second time with me) because he has the building blocks and understanding of what i learned – of what we both learned. not that he didn't have it in him before – he always had it in him. of course, i believe we all do – it's just a question of wanting to tap into that part of us so that we can improve our interpersonal relationships with others and within ourselves.
anyway – so that sadness is a little back but not as bad as the last time.
doug listened intently and then rubbed/patted my back – his way of acknowledging my feelings and giving me the encouragement that i need to take it one day at a time.