they use to call me ‘steel’

was this past week a real week? it felt like two weeks packed into one. and at first, i didn't mind it. i loved the adrenaline rush of creating and producing and being 115% into it. but then it seemed to feel as if it took over me. as if i didn't exist. only what i was producing existed.

did i talk to people? surely, i did. i know i did. but what about? mostly of what was being created, i think. once again, the creation ruled over me.

you know, when i get that way, i remember a time when my nickname was 'steel'. it was given to me by an ex-coach because i was the strongest girl on the team. but then, the name seemed to take control. i was always giving my 115%. so much that my friends started to get worried. they would say, "we're afraid you're going to kill yourself just to get to your goal."

i think i knew what they meant but i don't know. i was caught up with that adrenaline rush again. even though i heard the words right out of my coaches mouth – yes, the same coach that coined me steel. he said, "the strongest part of you is your greatest weakness – you're so strong, you don't even feel pain until it's too late."

i laughed then. because he was, at the time, pointing at the outer edge of my right knee. when i followed the direction he was pointed to, i was surprised to see a stream of blood running down my leg. when did that happen? how did i start to bleed?

my leg had been up and edged to the gunnel of the teak boat, bracing myself for the dig of the paddle. who knew how long it had torn into my flesh. i certainly didin't clue in until it was pointed out to me.

it's been a long time since i felt that i deserved that name – 'steel'. but this week proved that while i've grown soft in my physical appearance, my inner spirit still seems to want that 115%.

but a little beacon is trying to blind me from the back of my mind – perhaps warning me that i may hurt myself again.

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