giacomo

that was his name. he was head waiter on a cruise ship we were vacationing on – a 7-day cruise to the western parts of the carribean.

when i think back to the type of woman i was, i feel like i'm almost looking at some one else. she definitely looked much different then the reflection in the mirror i see now (almost ten years later). i was… well, at the time, in the prime of my youth. and i admit, i sometimes used it for my predatory needs, even though i malnipulated the situation to make him believe that he was the predator and i was merely the prey.

was it my alter-ego that i unleashed during those years? perhaps it was – and perhaps my alter-ego that lead the way to self-discovery.

either way, i'm happy with who i turned out to be – and yet, i'm not at all regretful of my experiences then.

anyway, from time to time, i still think about giacomo. it has nothing to do with my love for doug. i will always remain with doug. in fact, at times, i can't get over how much i love him – of how much he's become such a solid foundation in my life. he is more then just a husband – he is my best friend. seeing a future without him only brings me much sorrow and pain, which is why i try not to ever imagine the worst when it comes to our future together.

yet, i do tend to get lost in nostalgia. not for any needs of wanting to relive those years because i know i can never go back to that type of lifestyle. not now, once i've tasted a settled and more peaceful lifestyle.

but i wonder – how is giacomo? has he, perhaps, settled as well? or is he still on that lonely, big ship, romancing one woman week after week?

i remember the first kiss we had on that ship. he had found an empty office, after hours of course, where he snucked me into – a place i was sure many women had visited before. the kiss was sudden and fierce. it was passionate but the way he caught me and crushed me up against the wall, i was almost fearful that he would break me. he wasn't hurting me, though. but his kiss was so hungry that it felt like he was searching for answers from within my soul.

the last night we were together, i remember him looking down as he said, "i want to thank you for this week. you really made it easier on me."

he looked so sad at that moment that i had no words in return.

i knew he was not going to miss me. i knew that once i stepped off that ship, i would be just a fleeting memory.

i sensed how lonely he was and i knew that i was just a temporary relief to the burden he was going back to.

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