sometimes it’s just too difficult…

it's here again. this unbearable feeling where i feel completely trapped in my life.

on a good day, i will tell you that marriage is awesome. and being a mother is awesome.

but this is not a good day. this is not a good week… or month, even.

and it's not anything that doug has done, specifically… he's caring. he's loving. he's a good person with no ill intentions what-so-ever. over all, he's an honest and nice guy.

but sometimes, i want more then just nice.

i want some one who will take charge and initiative.

i want some one that makes me feel like i don't have to always feel like i'm always picking up after him, telling him what he needs to remember to do, being the one that plans and worries about our future, keeping the house neat and orderly and getting chaeli on schedule with meals and bedtime… i want some one who i have all the confidence in the world that will look after his responsibilities, instead of needing to keep on him so that he does not to slide on deadlines and due dates.

sometimes, i even desire to have my own life back again. as horrible as it sounds… i understand now, how some women just decide one day that they've had it. that they should just pick up and leave.

i hate to admit it.

but these are the type of days where i will tell you how hard it is to be a mother. and how hard it is to be a wife.

because it is hard. it's damn hard.

being these roles… i feel so suffocated at times. i feel like i am constantly working and any solitude i get is far from satisfying my insatiable need for some independence and freedom.

it's horrible of me to say all these things. even selfish, maybe.

but i just had to get it out.

i just had to.

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8 thoughts on “sometimes it’s just too difficult…

  1. I feel for you. I don't know that I think its selfish to admit it hard. and its draining. I think the people who don't admit its tough to be a wife and mother, and sometimes it feels very stagnant, are are setting themselves up to have breakdown later. I have a friend whom with I joke about whether we have enough cash on any given day to get to Mexico. I feel like that is a mini-vent, just acknowledging its been a rough day/week/month/whatever. If the alternative is to keep it all in until you loose it completely, then I think a little vent is ok, selfish or not. 🙂

  2. You're not the only one. I feel like that once in awhile maybe because as women, we like to make sure things are done right and in a timely fashion. Although my husband is getting better, there are still a lot of things he needs to improve on especially when it comes to getting things done. Maybe guys are just programmed that way, who knows. I hope you feel better soon. You need a spa day. =)

  3. thank you for the replies. but seriously, i'd like to know why so many mom's out there (and a handful of dad's) feel this way? why is it that we're made to feel so trapped, especially those of us that happen to have a spouse, albeit a nice/good person, who just doesn't take initiative in sharing such responsibilities? i feel like i married a child. that i wanted to be a mother of one but ended up with two and NOT by choice.
    i miss my freedom so much sometimes…

  4. I totally hear you, girl! There have been many a day where my shower-mantra has been "parenting is hard…parenting is hard…parenting is hard." And now I am coming to the realization that life is not getting any easier. I had mistakenly (obviously!) assumed that life would get easier as we got older. That we would figure some things out, and it would just get easier. Who am I kidding???BTW: Thanks for trusting your neighbourhood enough with your rant. We have all been in those shoes, that's for sure!

  5. Here's a little hug… and know you're not alone. The most important roles woman play are the hardest and require an insane amount of self sacrifice. But I think that the self sacrifice is exactly what gives them such importance. I bet it's a safe guess that you mean the world to your husband and daughter although they may not always tell you. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a day to yourself once in awhile. It always refreshes my spirits!

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