it's here again. this unbearable feeling where i feel completely trapped in my life.
on a good day, i will tell you that marriage is awesome. and being a mother is awesome.
but this is not a good day. this is not a good week… or month, even.
and it's not anything that doug has done, specifically… he's caring. he's loving. he's a good person with no ill intentions what-so-ever. over all, he's an honest and nice guy.
but sometimes, i want more then just nice.
i want some one who will take charge and initiative.
i want some one that makes me feel like i don't have to always feel like i'm always picking up after him, telling him what he needs to remember to do, being the one that plans and worries about our future, keeping the house neat and orderly and getting chaeli on schedule with meals and bedtime… i want some one who i have all the confidence in the world that will look after his responsibilities, instead of needing to keep on him so that he does not to slide on deadlines and due dates.
sometimes, i even desire to have my own life back again. as horrible as it sounds… i understand now, how some women just decide one day that they've had it. that they should just pick up and leave.
i hate to admit it.
but these are the type of days where i will tell you how hard it is to be a mother. and how hard it is to be a wife.
because it is hard. it's damn hard.
being these roles… i feel so suffocated at times. i feel like i am constantly working and any solitude i get is far from satisfying my insatiable need for some independence and freedom.
it's horrible of me to say all these things. even selfish, maybe.
but i just had to get it out.
i just had to.