I use to be an angry warrior – with little confidence.
Now? I’m the stronger, gentler type – that simply just poses like one. Read more…
this past weekend was filled with contrasting days. if i had to define it by a book, perhaps ‘eat, pray, love’ would have best mirrored the thoughts and emotions i went through. if, ‘eat, pray, love’ happened to be just one country per day, that is.
friday – the day of me, my ego, of which i ate up (following by eating a lot of peking duck)
the mood of this day was surrounded by my therapy session and what came out of it. it was a good therapy session and much was summed up by my journey these past couple of months. without going into full detail, i will say that the theme immediately started to center around getting to that point of actually loving myself.
it’s a strange concept. no, really. think about it. i know we hear it all the time. that analogy of air pressure dropping in a plane and air masks falling form above. the illustration of a parent putting on the mask first before putting it on their child. the basic message – how can you take care of anyone else if you can’t take care of yourself first? which easily can be translated to also loving ourselves… not just so that we can love and take care of others, but with a bigger and purer heart.
and yet, i say it’s still a strange concept to practice because everything in our society makes our hearts cynical, jaded and non-trusting. we’re raised to believe that loving ourselves means we are conceited with an overly-sized ego. and everything we do just isn’t right – our body image could be better, we could have a better hairstyle and we definitely need to replace our wardrobe and use gobs of make-up to cover our imperfections. our car could be better – so can our house. the list goes on.
so as i sat in front of my therapist, nodding in agreement of how being kinder to myself and loving myself, is an important, daily ritual, there was a part of me that felt uncomfortable with this process.
saturday – the day i prayed, but more for my ass
we went up to collingwood for a day of boarding/skiing. thanks to a friend of doug’s, we got cheap lift tickets at a private club. which meant we didn’t have to face the crowd of blue mountain or horseshoe – the two popular public ski resorts up there.
i was doing great! i felt great! we spent our morning on the blue runs. they weren’t long but tricky with some of the steep parts. but the conditions were a bit slick. the light was flat and the snow was packed and not at all soft. icy patches were also noted in certain areas.
a lot of people will question what it is about me and snowboarding. most of my friends have given it up, sticking to skiing. even claiming that snowboarding is out.
well, for one, i love it. i love the feel of it and that alone drives me to continue. secondly, and finally, i committed myself to it. once i commit to doing something, especially if it’s something physical, it’s not often i give up. i may take a hiatus but i’ll go back to it at some point to conquer it.
then in the afternoon, we headed back out to tackle a longer run. i was psyched because this was the first time i had a chance to go on a bigger hill for a longer trail. and i was doing great about 1/3rd of the way.
then all of the sudden, i lost control extremely fast. i don’t know how it happened, but i think i went air born before landing hard on the left side of my arse. followed with the rest of my body going back before bonking my head.
the pain seared and radiated in a most excruciating way. the ski patrol wanted to sled me down but i was too angry to let anyone help me. i graciously declined, saying that i’m okay with proof as i showed them i could still walk over to the side and move freely. i could walk… a bit stiffly, mind you, but i could. and i’ll be darned if i wasn’t going to finish that run on my board.
it wasn’t pride. it wasn’t embarrassment of being taken down by sled. it was my drive and my focus. i committed to doing something and i wanted to finish it.
my friend, hoa, who was my dragon boat captain at one point over a decade ago, said that sometimes i’m so geared up for my goal that i’ll kill myself doing it. he pointed this out again when we were at a place doing indoor rock climbing. he was spotting me as i climbed upwards and found myself in a tricky spot. without looking anywhere but up, i leaped off and tried to grab the next available piece, only to miss and fall. after he lowered me down to safety, he said that i tend to only go vertical, never horizontal. he pointed up to the areas i could have maneuvered left and right in order to make my way up.
i didn’t realize it back then. no – back then, i just analyzed what he was saying as mistakes i was making while rock climbing. but the developing message was – i’m so overly-focused that i don’t take a step back to analyze the situation. i’m in such a hurry for the win that i forget to ease up when i need to. and therefore, i miss a better solution.
so back to being stuck 2/3rd up that hill with my snowboard. i did manage to get down on my own, but most of it was just side to side on my heels. any turning to the other edge of my board proved to be too painful. i made my way back to the lodge and was forced to call it quits.
on the way home, i spent a good 15-20 minutes crying with anger and frustration. i questioned over and over again what i did wrong and how i could have avoided it. only until i calmed down a bit, i thought about those moments with hoa from my past and my therapy session the day before. that’s when i eased up on myself. i was so worried that this was a set back for me – a negative way to end the season and therefore, bringing much fear before the start of the next – that i forgot to take a look at how far i’ve come. and that the day’s condition was horrible which was not something i could control.
sunday – a day of love
i woke up feeling quite sore and stiff, but the searing pain i felt the day before, had subsided enough for me to walk around more easily. the first thing i said to doug when i woke up was, “i think i will go to the yoga show after all. will you guys come with me?”
we had a big, family brunch with excellent coffee. then quickly showered, changed and drove to the subway station.
i made it just in time to see a great yogi instruct a class in the yoga garden. his name is paul galloro. while i wasn’t able to make it for this class of his (and a bit too beat up to do it), i enjoyed showing my husband and daughter what a great yoga instructor he is.
we made our way through the floor and sampled lots of treats. some purchases were made and then 2 hours later, we headed back home.
as i said to a friend and fellow yogi, “it was just a great feeling to be there, surrounded by people who not only understood yoga, but love and are passionate about the practice of yoga and all the spiritual teachings it comes with.” and of course, i got to share the day with two people who are the utmost important to me.
it dawned on me that perhaps paul has a blog so i went home to look it up. as if it was meant to be, a sign that rounded up my entire weekend, i found this post he wrote a little while ago called “Nourish Your Soul with Love.”
i will dive on this more later but just wanted to add that this is a must read. it also made me realize that i HAVE been loving myself through the practice of yoga. and i’ll get into this deeper as well as i explain my journey – from when it was just a tool to my fitness regime to the point where the practice has become so much more.
i rather not work on my weekends but sometimes, it’s inevitable. especially now that i’m starting to do some small, side-contract jobs. as i explain myself to any new client, i have a full time job so whatever time i have in the evenings and on weekends (though i try to finish up during the week), is what i can offer them. my fair price does reflect this but should they require some one who’s able to give them their hours during business time, i’m unfortunately not their fit.
this weekend was one of those weekends i had to set some time to work. but i felt it was well balanced. i would say 20% of it was work and the rest of the 80% was play.
well, that’s not entirely true. more like 20% work, 50% house choirs and 30% play.
friday night, a night i really try not to work since it’s my first break into the weekend, we made our go-to, oven roasted, basque chicken recipe. from canadian living, this recipe never fails us and other guests we’ve made it for have asked for the recipe to be passed on to them. doug and i usually make two batches – one with spicy sausage and some mixture of chili, cayenne and/or spicy paprika. the other dish is on the mild side for chaeli and other people who are not as adventurous with spicy food.
this time, we made it for my parents – it was, again, a success. and as usual, we made enough for leftovers. i’m having it for lunch today, actually.
saturday, i spent as much time as i could working on my contract job (logo design for a client in the real estate industry) but made sure to stop working about an hour after lunch.
why? because it was possibly, our final chance for some skiing/boarding of the season. we only went for two hours of night-skiing but it was sweet. the hill was not very busy so many times, i found myself carving down the hill pretty much alone. i worked on my technique, coupled with speed, and felt great! there’s nothing like getting into a rhythm of going back and forth from heel to toe and toe to heel when snowboarding. it almost felt, at some points, effortless as i let my feet just carry me through those two motions.
we were baked not too long before bedtime. chaeli wanted to watch a bit of our bbc blue planet dvd. i assure you i fell asleep only within the first 15 minutes. if that.
sunday, i woke up feeling sore across my back, shoulders and chest. i have no idea why. i have not felt sore much after boarding this whole season so i am inclined to think it had something to do with my yoga class earlier that morning of our ski/board trip (it was a tough class).
i decided to tip-toe down to the basement to do a gentle vinyasa flow yoga session. just enough to limber up my body and stretch it out.
we eventually found our way to milestones for brunch and then shopping at the mall across from it. remember how i said i was in the mood for jewellery shopping? well, that’s basically what i did. doug took chaeli to do some of their own shopping which gave me just over an hour to take advantage of the jewellery sales at both forever 21 and bittersweets.
we didn’t forget hobbes, though. after resting for about 30 minutes at home, we went back up north, just 30 minutes or so, for a nice 2.8km hike through the woods. it was a beautiful, sunny type of winter day. the fresh air was good and hobbes certainly got his exercise. we all did.
one thing i must admit about a weekend like this – it can be tiring. i’m feeling it today, especially after my 5:45am workout in my basement this morning. we packed a lot in – i didn’t even mention all the time we spent making lunch, dinner and prepping my healthy, high-fiber, high-protein, low-glycemic, low-carb breakfast salad (which will be for most of my mornings at work this week). nor the laundry or dishes or whatever else needed our attention.
at the same time, i felt like we really accomplished a lot this weekend. it’s what makes monday morning feel just a wee tad better. and while we had no real ‘lazy time’ we had moments of down time between all the running around. just enough down time to recharge but not so long and drawn out to make us feel really lazy.
the word ‘namaste’ has been in my life a lot these past several years. it is a sanskrit word which when translated means, “i bow to you.” basically, the etymology behind it breaks down to namah = ‘bow’ and te = ‘you.’
in modern-day asian culture, it is used basically as a form of both salutation and a way of parting. but even in the indian culture, there are some people who take it as a form of respect and even spiritual meaning.
in western yoga practice, it has become a most definitely spiritual meaning where yogis perform the bowing motion in conjunction of the word at the end of a yoga glass as a sign of respect, equality and a deliverance, so to speak, of spiritual well wishes to their fellow yogis.
why am i bringing this up?
about a year ago, i was having dinner with two of my girlfriends. one is east indian, growing up with hindu traditions. she does not speak her native language but she has been raised in her culture as both her parents were born in india.
i was talking about turning 40 and how i was musing over the idea of doing something to commemorate my rite of passage. i had, in the past, toyed around with the idea of getting a tattoo. alas, i told them, i have not found any type of symbol i could use which would have enough meaning for it to be a part of my body for life.
they asked me if i had any ideas at all. i did mention that it will most likely be something spiritual – and as yoga has become such an important part of me, it might have something to do with the practice of yoga. i mentioned a couple of ideas, one being the use of the sanskrit writing for ‘namaste.’
to this, my one indian friend scoffed and said, “you know that just means ‘hello,’ right?” then she went on a mini-rant about how westerners always do this – we glorify other cultures without truly understanding the meaning behind what we’re glorifying.
i said nothing to this. as the truth is, i was not sure if she was right or not. and regardless, she did have a point. we do do this.
and so, i’ve been doing my research on and off for a year. it’s been difficult to find out exactly whether or not us north american yogis have been lead down the wrong path to the word ‘namaste.’ until i was able to find some solid information, i have been using the words ‘om shanti’ (meaning not just ‘peace’ but especially from buddhist practice, it means ‘inner peace’) during my practice instead, though if my yoga instructor prefers using ‘namaste,’ i do repeat it back as a sign of respect to him or her.
after all, during the practice of yoga, there’s no room for debate on semantics.
as mentioned above, i have gotten as far as the true meaning of where the word was derived from. that i am quite sure is correct. it is not just ‘hello’ or ‘good-bye’ though it is used for the moment of greeting and parting. but it does mean ‘i bow to you’. no one can deny that such an act and statement obviously is showing a sign of respect. it is a peaceful gesture.
the popular meaning “the divine light in me shines to the divine light in you”, however, might very well have been populated by western interpretation. it’s more like a ‘step up’ from the etymology of ‘namaste.’
so the question still has not been answered – are we essentially adding a bit of pretentiousness to the true use of ‘namaste?’
honestly, when i hear my yoga instructors say it to me and others in class, i do not feel any sign of pretentiousness. i feel, actually, only peace and love – because regardless of whether or not the meaning of the word is being used properly or not, their intent is pure, all good, and yes, even divine. i even have one instructor who says this and concludes the class with an additional, “i love you all!” and while this seemed so foreign to me at the time, i believe him when he says this. it is on that level of how he sees the good in all humans and that is the part of humanity he wishes to send his love. it is, therefore, where he concentrates his positive energy so that the good in us, in all of us, is fed and nurtured.
at the end of the day, i see nothing wrong with this.
perhaps i’m still leery of getting a tattoo that says ‘namaste’ as i prefer the word ‘shanti’ anyway, but i have decided that it’s okay to follow the concluding ‘namaste’ ritual at the end of one of my yoga classes, leaving my friend’s sarcastic comment at the door of the studio (i love my friend, but that doesn’t mean i always agree with her).
i also mentioned that should i get a sanskrit word as a tattoo, i would also consider a illustration of a lotus flower to tie in my chinese heritage and my connection to my buddhist traditions. she did add another sarcastic comment, “and that probably is just a flower to people in china.”
in reply, i smiled back and said, “no… it actually has a deeply rooted meaning for those who practice buddhism.”
what are your thoughts on how north american yogis use the word, ‘namaste?’
“she is very good, the instructor. and the practice is not just good, but enlightening. i am so use to doing a more vigorous vinyasa flow which combines many power yoga moves, if not all power yoga for the entire practice.
yet, even during her class, which is slower in pace, somewhat on the more gentle side as we hold each pose for longer than the quicker pace of vinyasa flow, it is still challenging in a different way. by the time we warm up to take on some of the longer held poses, sweat is definitely accumulating around my brow and i can feel my muscles working significantly…” continue reading.